I got a call from Newt Gingrich's "Finish Off the Midddle Class" program this morning.

Somebody loves Newt.
Personally I find newts slimy.

My phone rang about 8:30 this morning.


The thing is, my phone never rings. Well, it rings infrequently. So I was startled.

We have some rescue kittens at the vet (to ensure fewer rescue kittens at a future date) and I'm supposed to fetch them today. So, I figured I'd better answer.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Young Chipper, yet Pleasant Soothing Voice Guy. May I speak with The Curmudgeon of the house?"

"This is The Curmudgeon."

"I'm calling on behalf of Newt Gingrich...." 

Now at this point, I choke out a coughing noise, merging into an extended giggling fit.

"Okay...giggle.... I'll play along at home. Go ahead."

"Is this The Curmudgeon?"

"Oh yes, it's me. Go ahead."

"As I said, I'm calling on behalf of Newt Gingrich and...." 

The choking giggle bursts out again. It's like a Pavlovian Response. Whenever he says Newt Gingrich, there is a massive cognitive dissonance, followed quickly by an anxious wave. On a rational level, this makes no sense to me; so the  whole instantaneous sequence ends up tickling me.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm drunk. Either that or I have a massive girl crush on ol' Newt-y and since evidently this is going to keep happening, he soldiers on.

"Newt Gingrich..." an ever so brief pause, just in case, "is meeting with small business owners across the nation to see how he can help them out".

"Increase taxes on the wealthy." without missing a beat. Stepping right on the beginning of his next sentence.

"What?" says Young Chipper, yet Pleasant Soothing Voice Guy, but without so much chipper and a sconce less pleasant.

"Tax the Rich." I say patiently, as if I'm explaining it to a 12 year old in the midst of a soda and Wii binge. "End welfare for rich people."

Now it's his turn to giggle. Except, since he is Young Chipper, yet Pleasant Soothing Voice Guy and obviously a FON (friend of Newt) it has a nervous and very slightly derisive edge .

It's now evident, in his mind, that I've moved beyond drunk or addled all the way over to crazy. Or I'm crazy but trying to share an in-joke that has fallen quite flat. As the gears in his head are grinding, there is a little more substantial pause.

But I will give the young fellow props. He valiantly stays on script.

"Newt Gingrich has recorded a message he wants to share with you...."

"Not interested... Thank You." I say, just as I hang up.


Newt Gingrich....bloody hell, give me a break.